


Behemoth

by ImSoVain



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Andrew Garfield is my Peter Parker, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Cooking, Cute, Fear, Funny, Guns, M/M, Misinterpretations, Peter's "family", Sexual innuendos, Spiders, girlish screams, poor matt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-29 07:16:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16259312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImSoVain/pseuds/ImSoVain
Summary: Who knew Peter was afraid of his own kind?





	Behemoth

**Author's Note:**

> This is supposed to be cute and funny. Nothing more, nothing less. Thanks for reading!

Peter came home to find an empty apartment. Lights off, door locked, and silence. Which happened to be just what he was looking for. Wade hadn't come back yet and that meant that Peter still had time to surprise him with dinner. 

He flipped on the lights and entered the kitchen, setting his grocery bags on the kitchen table and started to unpack them. He had picked up a few items in attempt to make something, even though he knew Wade was the better cook but honestly, how hard was it to screw up pork chops, green beans, and mashed potatoes? He just hoped it wasn't going to end like last time, that last time being when he had set the stove top on fire... Whoops.

Peter dug through their cabinets looking for pots, pans, and a baking sheet as he hummed quietly to himself. No doubt he picked up that habit from Aunt May as she would always hum a tune when she was cooking. As Peter filled a bowl with water he mentally ran through which new movies were on Netflix, thinking of something to watch with Wade later. 

He lined the baking pan with foil and began dunking the pork chops into the water, and then into the bread crumbs, placing them on the sheet. Just then, a reminder popped into his head, "The oven!" He exclaimed. Peter always forgot to preheat the oven! 

He quickly rinsed off his hands and dried them, whipping around he took one step towards the oven and froze. He felt his heart rate quicken as he stood there, eyes fixed on the floor. 

On the floor sat a rather large spider. About four inches in diameter with legs outstretched to be exact. It was big, black, and had the longest legs Peter had ever seen on a spider in person. 

"Oh. My. God." He squeaked. 

It was looking at him. Literally sitting there, staring at him, ON HIS KITCHEN FLOOR! 

His eyes darted from side to side. He had nowhere to go, for the only way out of the kitchen was to go right past the spider. And there was no way in hell he was going past that thing. 

Peter let out a small whimper as he backed up slowly, climbing on top of the counter behind him. He scooted up on it, folding his legs up and never taking his eyes off of its eight little beady ones. He sat there, on that counter for what felt like hours but in reality was probably only a couple of minutes. The spider didn't move, and neither did Peter. He didn't dare.

He chewed on his bottom lip nervously as he laid out a list of options. He thought about swinging over and out of the kitchen but, he didn't have his web shooters. Option number two wasn't much better, as the idea of climbing on the wall to get to the ceiling and then out of the kitchen obviously required too much work and he'd have to focus on the behemoth on the floor the entire time. And then what if it moved while he was in the middle of the ceiling? 

Nope, too risky. 

He thought some more and decided that staying put on top of the counter and waiting for Wade to get home was his best bet. He decided to shift his position, moving his legs around just to be more comfortable and that's when it happened. 

Behemoth, because that's what Peter was calling it now, moved. It took a few fast paced steps forward and stopped. Peter let out a shriek and scrambled to the knife block, grabbing the biggest knife it held and extending it out in front of himself towards Behemoth. 

Behemoth stopped and was staring again, almost like he was taunting Peter. Peter narrowed his eyes and growled, "You best stay there because I swear if you get any closer-"

Behemoth started to skitter towards him once more and Peter let out another shriek, this one louder than the first. He jumped up, now standing on top of the counter and clinging onto the cabinet as the spider stopped once again. Peter pointed the knife at it once more, trying to sound intimidating he said, "You take one more step closer and I swear I will throw this at you!" 

Behemoth stared with his beady eyes and bolted for the kitchen table, scurrying up the leg and then back down onto the floor coming to a rest once again in the middle on the kitchen. 

This time, Peter screamed. He then heard the sound of the door being busted open.

"Peter!"

It was Wade, thank God!

"Peter, where are you!? I swear to God whoever has him I will slit your throat and bathe in your blood-"

"Wade, I'm in here!" Peter yelled from the kitchen. 

Peter was still standing on the counter with the knife in his hand when Wade came into full view, guns drawn in both of his hands. 

"Baby Boy! Where are they, who's here?" Wade snarled, his eyes looming over the rather large knife Peter was holding in his hand.

"Oh my God, I'm SO glad you're home!" Peter sighed with relief.

Wade was dressed in civilian clothes and Peter watched as his eyes went wide as they scanned the room looking for the intruder. "Petey..." He questioned, "What is going on here?" His Desert Eagles were still drawn.

"That!" Peter exclaimed, pointing to the floor with the tip of the knife.

Wade's eyes followed Peter's request down to the floor and he frowned. "Uh..." He cleared his throat. "There's nothing here." He admitted.

Peter's eyes went wide as they shot down to the floor. Behemoth was gone. "Oh God..." Peter breathed, unsteadily. 

"Petey..." Wade's voice warned, "Are you sure there's no one in here?"

Peter eventually understood what Wade was asking. "Oh, no! No, it's not like that." He said slowly. 

"Then what is it?" Wade questioned.

"Well, there is someone in here. Or rather I should say, something..." Peter's eyes darted around. "Oh my God where did you go?" He panted frantically under his breath.

"And I thought I was the crazy one..."

"Wade, it's Behemoth..."

Wade did a double take, "Uhh, are you feeling alright Baby Boy?"

Peter let out another scream as Behemoth emerged from underneath the stove, the knife leaving his hand in an incredibly sloppy throw and landing about two feet to the left of the curious spider. It hit the floor with a clatter and bounced a few times before coming to a rest.

Wade jumped about a foot in the air when the scream happened. His guns were still drawn and he still had no idea as to why his boyfriend was standing on the counter, screaming, and throwing knives.

"Jeez Baby Boy! I thought I taught you how to throw better than that-" Wade's eyes traveled down to the floor and finally he saw what Peter was screaming at. He let out the most high pitched, girlish scream Peter had ever heard. "Jesus fuck! What the shit is that!?"

"I told you!" Peter screamed, backing up further on the counter with absolutely nowhere to go.

The spider was on the floor, now in equal distance between the both of them. 

"Petey, why didn't you tell me you were having family over tonight?"

Peter's head snapped up in Wade's direction, "Wade I- Wait, family?"

Wade gestured down at the spider, "Yes, family!"

Peter's jaw went slack, "That-" He pointed at Behemoth, "Is NOT family!"

"Peter, you're like, half spider..."

Peter just glared at Wade.

"Honestly though, all you need to do is just step on it-" Wade took a few steps towards the creature on the floor, feeling quite confident until it moved, running at him at full speed. Another shriek emerged from Wade's mouth as he turned around and high tailed it out of the kitchen, jumping up onto the couch with guns still drawn.

Peter screamed as well and snatched another weapon from the knife block. He heard the 'click' of the hammer on Wade's weapons being pulled back as he watched him perched up on the back of the couch.

"Don't you dare shoot those guns! The neighbors below us-"

Wade stopped screaming when the spider stopped moving. Now, it was sitting on top of the dividing strip that separated the kitchen from the living room. Shitty linoleum from dirty carpet. 

Wade fixed his eyes hard on Behemoth, his target in sight as he growled, "You stay right the fuck there fuck face or I will be forced to-"

"Wade!" Peter hissed from the counter, "The neighbors!"

"Relax Petey, they moved out three days ago-"

"Yeah, probably because of your self taught Zumba classes at four in the morning!"

Wade shrugged, "Hey, gotta keep this body lookin good somehow-" 

Peter's ears were once again filled with Wade's girly shriek as Behemoth scurried around on the floor, first in Peter's direction and then in Wade's. 

"Wade!" Peter yelled from the counter, "Put those things away, right now!"

Wade was two stepping frantically on the couch as he continued to wave his weapons around. Behemoth stopped again, this time on the shitty carpet, closest to Wade. 

Peter took this opportunity to hop from the counter to the kitchen table, hugging the wall as he watched the drama unfold before him. Behemoth scurried back into the kitchen headed for the kitchen table this time and oh boy, Wade was not having that.

BANG, BANG, BANG!

Peter jumped, his head whipping in the direction of the living room as Wade still stood on the couch but this time, with guns smoking. 

"WADE!" Peter was furious now because, what the fuck? 

Wade just stood there, slack jawed and eyes wide, guns still pointing at the floor. 

"Wade, what the hell did I-"

"I missed..."

Peter frowned, "What?"

"I- I missed... But, I never miss!"

Peter inched towards the edge of the table and carefully peered over. He saw three bullet holes in the kitchen floor, and no dead spider. In fact, Behemoth was now sitting in front of the fridge, staring at Wade like he was taunting him. 

Peter's eyes went wide and his head snapped in Wade's direction once again when he heard guns being cocked, Behemoth running back onto the carpet once more. "Wade-" Peter warned.

Both Wade and Peter screamed as a loud pounding came from the front door. 

"Peter? Peter, is everything alright?" A muffled voice was heard from behind the closed door.

"Who the fuck?!" Wade exclaimed, eyes darting between the door and the spider on the floor.

"Language!" The voice yelled.

"Oh, I'm sorry. WHOM THE FUCK?!" Wade yelled louder.

"Wade, it's Matt!"

"Murdock? The red Batman of this universe?" 

Peter squinted in confusion, "What?"

"Never mind." Wade said, nonchalantly waving his gun around.

"Peter, is everything alright? I heard gun shots-"

"Yes! Yes, come in!" Peter yelled from the kitchen table.

Just as the door opened, Behemoth started running full speed towards the door, and both men started yelling.

"He's coming!" Peter yelled.

"Oh my God! He's coming faster and straight for you!" Wade screamed, pointing his guns in Matt's direction. 

"WADE!" Peter shirked, jumping from the table to the couch and clinging onto Wade.

Behemoth ran as fast as his little (big) legs could carry him, scurrying over Matt's shoe and straight out the door and into the hallway. 

Both Wade and Peter gasped.

Matt just stood there.

"Umm, it seems that I am interrupting something... Peter, here's that file you requested on King Pin, I'll just leave this here." Matt set the file down on the TV stand behind him and stepped out, closing the door behind him. 

Wade and Peter just stood there staring for several seconds before the both of them burst out into a fit of laughter, collapsing down onto the couch in each other's arms. 

"What the fuck just happened?" Wade asked, depositing his guns onto the end table next to them. 

Peter shook his head, "I have no idea." 

"Where did that thing come from?"

Peter shrugged, "No clue. I came home and started making dinner and it just showed up."

"Wait, you were attempting to make dinner?" Wade laughed. 

"Hey! It was supposed to be a surprise for you!"

Wade pulled Peter in for a hug. "Always so thoughtful. By the way, why are you, of all people, afraid of spiders? Can you explain that to me?"

Peter snorted, "I just think they're creepy looking."

"But Peter, you're a spider-"

"But I don't look like one!"

Wade sighed, "Oh, I suppose. You are quite the adorable little spider."

Peter smiled, "Actually, I'm your adorable, little spider."


End file.
